Tabloids sample

Glinda: Good Witch or Bad Bitch?

Star Troubled by Bar Fights, and Substance Abuse

Glinda the Good Witch of the South raised eyebrows on Thursday night after she stumbled out of a Manhattan bar on the arm of the Tin Man.  This foray comes on the heels of recent rumors of a budding romance between the two.

An inside source tells us, “Glinda’s been dating the Tin Man for a while now, but they wanted to keep out of the public eye while she recovered in rehab.  Now that she’s back on her feet, she’s ready to take her relationship public.”

The 28-year-old’s most recent rehab stint left her out of a job. Creator L. Frank Baum tweeted, “Glinda has been a friend and colleague for many years, but our creative paths now diverge.  I wish her all the best.”

According to our insider, “Glinda is disappointed about being fired, but she sees it as an opportunity to pursue other opportunities.  She’ll be dropping a new single and releasing a new self-help book in the coming months.”

It won’t be the Good Witch’s first musical venture.  Last year she released her single “Magic Wands and Slutty Blondes” which topped charts and got the aspiring singer three Grammy nominations.  But will her recent troubles with alcohol and drugs make her next song a flop?  Or will she channel that torture into a fun summer anthem?

Glinda herself weighed in, tweeting on Sunday, “Thank you to all my fans for the love and support!  Stay tuned for my upcoming reality show, America’s Next Top Witch, on Bravo!”

HUMPTY DUMPTY MURDERED BY FORMER WIFE?

Was Humpty Dumpty pushed out of revenge?

            We all know the story -- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But experts at the scene couldn’t explain some shocking details about his fall -- leaving room for the possibility of a gruesome murder!

             Humpty’s former wife, Sunny Dumpty, (reclaiming her maiden name, Sunny Sideup, following the couple’s painful separation) has been the target of suspicion since Humpty’s death. It’s been proven that his death left her with a hefty financial settlement stated in Humpty’s will, as well as full custody of their three kids, Pepper, 6, Eggan, 4, and Shelley, 5. This sure doesn’t paint the best picture of Sunny!

            The separated couple was seen fighting one another only days before Humpty’s body was found. Reports state that Sunny even owns a deadly weapon.

            “Yeah, she bought a gun a couple years ago,” says Mrs. Butter, a close friend to Sunny. “She said something about not feeling safe in her home. I think she had some anxiety-related issues.”

            Is Sunny Sideup unstable? Could she have been too emotionally charged at her former husband to contain her rage?

            Sources state that Sunny visited a therapist three years prior to Dumpty’s brutal death.

She was allegedly suffering depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia -- leaving her emotional state destroyed by her impairing illnesses.

            Humpty’s death is still being investigated, and Ms. Sideup isn’t looking too good in the process. 

Is Shrek Really Love?

It’s been said many times, “Shrek is love, Shrek is life,” but has Shrek been using his newfound image to cover up a devious sex scandal with his travel partner, Donkey?

After Shrek and Donkey’s big adventure to retrieve Princess Fiona, whom Shrek married, Donkey confessed to the authorities and revealed shocking details about a possible sex scandal, involving Shrek, Donkey and several other secret men.

According to police reports, a hardcore fan in Shrek’s alleged “homosexual community” committed suicide after the fan’s father claimed to have walked in on his son and an ogre engaging in unorthodox relations. These reports allowed this and other scandalous events to be brought to the surface.

Shrek, now a family man with a wife and three children, has been comfortably settled in his swamp for a few years now. Contrarily, before his quest to rescue the Princess Fiona, Shrek was a recluse and angrily chased off anyone or anything that accidentally or purposely trespassed. It almost seems suspicious that a 108-year-old ogre would suddenly marry a 22-year-old princess for no other reason than to appear ordinary.

Donkey claims that on their journey, he and Shrek got a little too close to each other during the resting periods of their journey. Donkey exclaimed that he felt “all exposed and nasty!” Supposedly, Donkey sparked Shrek’s destructive trend and Shrek then married the princess in order to keep it hidden from his forest community. Unfortunately, Shrek’s populace of homosexual fans and possible lovers failed to remain discreet, exposing Shrek and all of his shameful activities.

Is Donkey in reality just feeling jealous rather than violated? After all, Donkey was evidently the first lover in Shrek’s dangerous and popular homosexual craze.

In any case, it looks like it isn’t “ogre” for Shrek.

Cinderella Blames Her Appearance on “Magic”

    “She’s a Wandna Be.”

Cinderella snuck out of her stepmother’s house last Friday night, only in hopes that she will become a princess.

The young girl, who completes chores for her stepmother and step sisters, decided she wanted to join in on the fun of a midnight ball. She appeared at the party with a beautiful dress and date, but where did it all come from?

The young girl states that she didn’t steal any of her clothing, but that it simply came to her. She says, “Three birds helped me get dressed and do my hair. They brought me glass slippers and beautiful ribbons.”

How she arrived at the dance is also skeptical. A source states, “She arrived in a beautiful pumpkin carriage, one that even the wealthiest citizens couldn’t afford.”

The stepmother is convinced that the items were stolen from her closet. “Cinderella is always found sneaking around. She has a special way of getting by me” says the stepmother. Her stepsisters say, “She is always jealous of us. She wishes she could be this pretty and have boys chasing after her.”

Despite these claims from her family, Cinderella continues to believe in the power of magic. She says a fairy godmother came to her rescue. “Eventually good things will happen to good people, even if their life seems hard at the moment. I worked hard for my family, and this was my reward.”

The whole truth is yet to be known, but magic seems hard to believe. All the men at the ball will be questioned, but as one of her stepsister’s states, “who would want to take Cinderella to the dance anyway?”

Obama’s Children Eaten by Mistress!

Michelle’s distraught and in tears at the infidelity.

On Wednesday morning, news came to light about President Barack Obama’s ongoing affair of three years with what he believed was a woman named Lamia. If that’s not the worst of it knowing that a family man of two has been unfaithful, the remains of his children were found early this morning in their individual bed rooms.

“I called up to the girls letting them know breakfast was ready,” said Michelle tearfully, “when I didn’t hear them come down, I ran up to see what was happening and that’s when I saw that woman—that thing just standing over them—well what was left and I screamed.”

Sources say that at this point, Obama came in and mirroring the horror on his wife’s face

yelling out, “Lamia! How could you?! What have you done?”

Michelle turned with a new look of horror towards her husband as she connected the dots in her mind. The late nights, the lipstick on his collar, the distance he’d been putting between them lately, it all made sense. She couldn’t believe it. One thing is to be unfaithful but this was a whole new thing.

Michelle made him move into another wing of the White House and refused to even look at him. Obama tried so hard to keep this news under wrap but when the girls stopped appearing with their father and mother who put on a brave face, rumors started circulating until Michelle had no other option but to come clean.

She made a public announcement alerting the world of the atrocity that her husband allowed to happen to their family. All of America was moved as they watched this empty shell of a woman who was broken and torn cried out for her daughters and for her husband’s stupidity. She ended the announcement by issuing a bounty for Lamia’s capture, “dead or alive” she coldly emphasized. 

Cell Phone Bugs

What might be crawling in your ear?

Scientists discovered new lethal germs in cellular phones last week. The germ can take control of your brain and control your thoughts. Experiments show that 89% exposed to the bug have altered thoughts and moods. Don’t let the ½ inch size fool you. These bugs are deadly and they are lurking in your cell phone right now.

No cure has been found yet, but scientists at University of Rochester are working on the case. So far, 463 cases of the call phone bug have been reported, with more coming in every day. Many have resorted to throwing away their cell phones, which has been the only way to thwart the cell phone bug.

Although the bug has no specific origins, officials predicted the birthplace of these monstrosities to be somewhere in North Africa. The neurotoxins emitted in the brain take over the memory function and in some cases, the patients have contracted dementia. Variations of schizophrenia pop up in blood tests of those infiltrated.

There’s no getting the cell phone bug out once it has crawled past your ear drum. Your ears will bleed as the bug digs into brain tissue to make its home. The life span of the bug is short. It won’t die until it has laid eggs deep inside your brain tissue.

Blood clots can lead to tumors so the bugs can make larger nests in your skull. The bug’s final task is to kill the host body, and it has never failed since.

Imagine Giant Talking Snowman

                                              Children Trip off LSD, Magician in Custody



A group of six children have been tested and found positive for traces of LSD in their blood system.

Adults around the small town noticed something wrong with the kids once they began to clamor about a giant talking snowman named “Frosty.” Such an odd sight caught their attention, and the children were questioned and later underwent drug testing, which revealed traces of acid in their body.

The children, ages 6-11, told adults they took the drug after being released from school. While tripping the children saw Frosty the snowman, and continued to sing and dance with him. One child went as far as to get on a train with the imagined snowman, however she found her way back.

Police suspect a magician that came to the children’s school to have given the children the drug and told them to take it. The magician drew attention after standing around the children after school, and was later found in a back ally by police and taken into custody. He has not yet confessed, although sources say there could be other magicians like him that will sell drugs to children outside of their schools.

             

            The repercussions of LSD are quite severe as the children dearly miss their imagined “Frosty.” Their school and home life will be closely monitored by adults to make sure such an incident doesn’t occur again. A “Don’t do Drugs, Stay in School” program will be administered in the near future at the children’s school.

                                                     PO GETS PAROLE

ZING ZING ZINGBAH ZINGED BY THE PO-PO

Teletubby Land—After stabbing the beloved Tinky-Winky back in December, Po will be released on parole later this month. Their friend Zing Zing Zingbah was also caught with drugs.

The teletubby friends were reportedly at a dinner with the boohbah’s when Po and Tinky-Winky got in a fight over their lover Zing Zing Zingbah. Zing Zing Zingbah supposedly brought cocaine to the dinner party which turned the mild party into a raucous ragger. A prostitute at the party described it as “a blur of purple teletubby guts and that purple kush.”

An unnamed boohbah commented saying that “Po feels a lot of regret for the Tinky-Winky stabbing and really hopes for them to be friends again.” However, with the drama surrounding Zing Zing Zingbah’s drug bust, we don’t know how that will go. We are on team ZingPoBah, but with Zing Zing Zingbah facing serious charges, we don’t think any relationships will be coming from this group.

We reached out to the White Sun Baby for comment but he did not want to get involved, as he is very upset by this whole ordeal. We then reached out to Asian Saturn Baby for comment and he told us that Po and Tinky-Winky are going to best buddies therapy. Rumor has it that the counselor for this therapy is one of the boohbah’s themselves, but we will have to look deeper into that. Regardless, we are excited to see how the rest of this story unfolds.

Batman’s Gone Batty!

From Hero to Villain! His Terrible Transformation!

Out in the streets of Gotham Batman’s taken the beatings to his partner robin instead of criminal thugs and been disbarred from the justice league in this hero’s inevitable fall from grace!

Only hours before the incident Batman had been reportedly seen “drinking himself to death” according to the reports of one bartender. We interviewed him and he told us that “Batman forced me to serve him a concoction of every alcoholic drink we had combined, or he’d put a bat-a-rang between my eyes.” And a reliable source at the bar reportedly heard him sobbing about “Lack of super powers” and “dead sidekicks. He even took over the karaoke machine singing the song “Am I Blue?” while senselessly beating civilians in his drunken spree.

It was after this drinking spree that robin confronted batman in the street (as in the photo above, captured by a street cam) and not moments later Batman was beating his former partner senseless. Luckily two cops were on hand and they quickly arrested the caped crusader and according to one of our sources “he went down pretty easy. I mean he doesn’t even have super powers or anything so…”

When we tried to reach Commissioner Gordon for comment but he wouldn’t speak to our interviewer, showing how far the corrupt commissioner will go to protect his caped nut job! We did reach super man for comments and he stated “I don’t even know why we called him a super hero in the first place” and “Yeah that guys defiantly banned from the justice league”. So it only goes to show how nuts these super hero’s really are, I mean do we even have proof they save the world every day? Or is it just their twisted imagination? It’s up to you to decide!